[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
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I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen