I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
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*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Love thy neighbor’s dog
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me