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Okay, I’m still confused…
Removing my pants wasnβt what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I canβt remember which one was which
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
{1st date}
HER:Whatβs your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating βI never said that.β
Itβs gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Dadβs in for a hip replacement tomorrow. Iβve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didnβt see the funny side and now Iβm out of the will.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonaldβs*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesnβt get lonely in my tummy*
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend Iβm a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.