I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
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Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!