life finds a way
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Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.