People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
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Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.