#growingpains
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I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.