[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
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The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
This January has 47 Mondays
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.