I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
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mom gave me mine for free
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.