I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
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CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I need this for my side hustle.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.