[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
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So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
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John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
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….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
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MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
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Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
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