Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
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One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
A short story of betrayal:
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Investing in beetcoin
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”