I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
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gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
english majors be like furthermore
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else