The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
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(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
accurate
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]