after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
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When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.