What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
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She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
real
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.