[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
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[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.