If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
“you changed” bro i was 15
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”