Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
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safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I’m too immature for adultery.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers