I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
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current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
fr
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
#Caturday
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.