[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
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I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin