Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
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Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster