She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
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*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Breaking news:
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.