[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
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Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
when mom throws a party…
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.