sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
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I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.