Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
You Might Also Like
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?