I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
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It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Word.
~ Microsoft.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.