Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
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not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”