Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
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Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Sponch
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.