*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
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[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.