[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?