I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
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Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
My dog learned how to text
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
23. the denim jacket
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.