For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
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[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’