[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
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my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.