me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
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OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
getting old is fun