A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
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*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
That’s incredible! 👌
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.