Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
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I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.