What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
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Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.