the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
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Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”