Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
You Might Also Like
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
hackers play passwordle
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?