I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
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Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
opening twitter today
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
O Wise One….
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go