You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
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I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.