Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
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I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.