Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
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My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth