Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
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i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally