the short answer to this question
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i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Scream sneezers need love too.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so