The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
You Might Also Like
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
gentlemen, hear me out
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”