I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
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There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
me, too, girl. me, too.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*