I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”