“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually